


in all the stars

by anabananana



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/F, Fluff and Smut, Smut, abby is in it now!!! yay progression!!!, alternative universe, i aint sorry, im sorry i made this into something sad and deep and idk why, in which i mention kate mckinnon's dimples a whole bunch more than necessary, professor/student AU, there will be a happy ending I promise
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-17
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-08-23 00:12:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8306428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anabananana/pseuds/anabananana
Summary: Professor/Student AU: Holtz is one of Erin's students ect etc Erin knows this is against the rules - whatever it is she and Holtz are doing. She had poured over the University handbook, scouring every page, hoping to find some sort of loophole. She might obey the rules, and be the most sensible person in the world, but she also couldn't ignore her heart. Not when it felt like it would come pounding right out of her chest each time she saw Jillian. No, there was no ignoring that.





	1. "doc?" "erin."

**Author's Note:**

> HONESTLY I DONT KNOW WHAT THIS IS OR WHERE IT IS GOING I JUST LOVE KATHRYN FUCKING MCKINNON A WHOLE LOT OK AND HOLTZBERT IS SO REAL BYE

Erin Gilbert was responsible, that was the word she’d use to describe herself, she always thought things through and she always obeyed the rules. She was actually voted  _Most Sensible_  in high school and she hadn’t changed. That’s what she was thinking about as she marked the papers scattered over her thighs, her side of the bed, and the floor below her. She may be sensible but that didn’t mean at almost three o’clock in the morning she wasn’t messy. As she reached for her pen her eyes lingered over the sleeping form of the person next to her. Crazy blonde hair, detached from its usual tens of bobby pins and bun, flowing down between perfect shoulder blades, which Erin had a sudden urge to scatter kisses all over. The sheet was low, barely clinging to Jillian Holtzmann’s hips, and as she shifted in her sleep it sunk lower, making Erin’s cheeks heat up, now being able to see Jillian’s sex. She snapped back to her papers, trying to focus, mumbling the words she read under her breath as she did so.

“Erin?” The voice that escaped Holtzmann’s lips was barely audible and hoarse. Erin looked over to see that she was lying on her back now. She could see the small goose bumps that had risen across Holtzmann’s breasts and down her stomach and wandered why she wouldn’t just pull the sheet up, not that she wanted her to, because it was a truly beautiful sight.

“Yes?” 

“Are you grading papers right now?” A smirk formed on Holtzmann’s lips and her eyebrows furrowed in the most adorable way.

“Yes?” Erin repeated.

“Have you looked at mine?” Holtz twisted so she was on her side, her head resting in the palm of her hand, her hair a messy tussle of wavy curls around her elbow, her eyebrows now waggling about, in a way that made Erin feel half turned on and half hysterical. 

“No. I have not, and don’t think for a moment that…” But Erin was distracted as Jillian slowly raked her teeth over her bottom lip. She couldn’t take her eyes away as it was left a brighter red than the top one and all she wanted to do was kiss those perfect lips.

“That?” Holtz murmured.

“That… that because you’re… you’re  _with_  me, that you’ll get any special treatment.” 

“ _With_  you? You could just say we’re fucking,” Jillian lets out an exaggerated breathy moan to accompany the word ‘fucking’, and then laughs, clambering out of bed, all of her naked body now visible. Erin thinks she might drown in the puddle that has formed in her underwear. Of course she’s seen Holtz naked before, but she still gets that same feeling every time she sees her. She’s never seen a body so perfectly formed, every curve, the dip in her collarbones, the smoothness of her jawline and the way her nose curves upwards, her hip bones that slightly poke out when she moves a certain way, Erin can’t help but be breathless each time. 

“You’re the definition of distraction, you know?” Erin sighs, casting her eyes down, back to her paper, trying to be nonchalant about the fact that the girl she’s  _with_  is standing at the foot of her bed, stark naked.

Jillian shrugs, “Maybe. You don't mind though, do you?"

Erin blushes. _No, she doesn't._

"Shhh. I'm trying to work." 

"Mmkay. Do you want coffee?"

"Yes, please. And," Erin pauses. "Put a shirt on at least."

Jillian laughs, but grabs a shirt that was discarded earlier on the floor, and pulls it over her head as she leaves the room.

 

*/*

 

Erin knows this is against the rules - whatever it is she and Holtz are doing. She had poured over the University handbook, scouring every page, hoping to find some sort of loophole. She might obey the rules, and be the most sensible person in the world, but she also couldn't ignore her heart. Not when it felt like it would come pounding right out of her chest each time she saw Jillian. No, there was no ignoring that. 

 

*/*

 

"Doc?" Erin turned away from the smart-board and back to the lecture hall, looking for the person that accompanied the voice that had just spoken.

"It's Doctor Gilbert." Erin corrected, still struggling to find the person. Her eyes landed on the girl whom had spoken. Bam. It was like someone had shoved her hard in the stomach. The girl had a mess of blonde curls twisted half back into a bun and half whipped across her head. She had dimples deep enough to hold water. And she was looking at Erin with glaring blue eyes. She had the cutest nose Erin had ever laid eyes on. The girl was holding a pen to her mouth that she was chewing on the end of. It was one of Erin's pet peeves. She took a gulp of air.

"Doc, is it true... about the ghosts?" One of the girl's eyebrows arched, and she popped the pen back in her mouth, holding it there with an open mouthed smile, revealing perfectly white teeth. 

"Uh, oh, well, um..." Erin stumbled over her words, partially due to the girl's ridiculous beguilement and partially due to the chosen question. "That isn't what this class is about."

"Right. So maybe later then?" Erin was sure it must have just been a trick of the light- she didn't just  _wink_ at her, right? 

"Anyway..." Erin continued, trying to keep focused on the course material, but she couldn't help finding those blue eyes every now and then, as she spoke.

Erin watched as everyone filtered out of the lecture hall when she was finished. Sure enough, the girl had remained in her seat, now one leg was draped over the seat next to her, the pen still in her mouth. 

"Can I help you?" Erin managed to shakily choke out. The girl just grinned, then stumbled gracelessly from her seat and marched down the steps right up to the lectern where Erin was standing. Involuntarily, Erin sucked in her breath. 

"Holtz. Holtzmann." The girl extended her hand for Erin to shake and when Erin extended her own she pulled it back and ran it through her hair instead. Erin sighed. Holtz grinned. And there were those damn dimples again. 

"I'm not talking about... about the thing, so." Erin said, shuffling her papers together and putting them in her bag.

"Wanna just grab dinner instead then?" Holtz said so quickly that Erin wasn't even sure she heard her correctly.

"What?"

"What?" Holtz repeated, shaking her head, as if she hadn't said anything at all. Erin couldn't decide whether she found the girl annoying or charming. But there was one thing for sure - she was hot. And that one thing was distracting her. She knew she had to get out of there otherwise she'd do something stupid, she was sure. 

 

*/*

 

Erin doesn't remember saying yes. She doesn't remember walking down to the quiet cafe on the end of her block. She doesn't remember much really since she left the university this afternoon. But somehow here she is, sitting across from Holtz in a quiet corner, in chairs that are much too low. Holtz is babbling on about something but Erin isn't listening, she's more focused on her mouth and her dimples that appear as quickly as they vanish. Erin is mesmerised, she can't believe someone can speak this fast, that someone’s mouth can move that quickly.

"You're not listening." When Erin falls back into reality, pulling her eyes away from Holtz's lips, she sees that she is watching her with raised eyebrows, an amused look on her face. 

"Um." Erin licks her lips nervously. 

"Is something wrong?" Holtz asks, leaning back in her chair. Erin opens her mouth to speak but nothing comes out. _I don't know how I got here and the way your nose crinkles when you laugh makes my stomach flip, and that's terrifying_.

"Doc?" 

"Erin." Apparently she's lost control of her mouth, because Erin can't believe she's just said that.

"Erin? Sweet." Holtz grins.

 

They do this a lot over the next few weeks. They adopt the corner as their own and talk about science and ghosts and eventually they delve into their personal lives. Erin learns to focus and listen, instead of staring. Sometimes Holtz holds her hand when they leave the cafe. Erin secretly wishes she’d do it every time, but she’s too afraid to reach out and grab Jillian’s hand of her on accord, and she doesn’t dare just ask, so the sometimes just have to do.


	2. violets, actually

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for all the nice comments & kudos!!! here's chap 2, it's hella gay, it's hella gay, and also it's hella gay (much like myself)  
> enjoy lol

Erin can pinpoint the exact day she fell in love with Jillian. She had been  _falling_  in love for a while before, but the moment she was definitely in love was a Wednesday. She had just finished up her last lecture for the day and was packing up her notes when Jillian sauntered in. One hand behind her back, the other shoved deep in one of her dungaree pockets.

"What are-" Erin had started to question, she remembered clearly deciding that they would meet later for dinner. But she stopped as she saw what Jillian was pulling out from behind her back. Her face softened.

"Flowers?" 

"Violets, actually." Holtz had winked, pulling her other hand out from her pocket, revealing a folded up piece of paper. 

"Jill," a nickname Erin found herself only using when she wanted to be gentle with Holtzmann. "Someone might see us."

But Jillian ignored her and put the small bunch of violets in her hand, along with paper, silently. Then, planted a soft kiss on Erin's cheek and left. Erin opened the paper and found a short article about the significance of violets and the LGBT community. Holtz had highlighted certain parts and had written short notes in the margins in her almost illegible scrawl. Erin smiled, bringing the violets to her nose. 

 

*/*

 

"Holtzmann." Erin warned, she didn't have to look up from her computer to know Jillian was biting her nails.

"Sorry."

"What are you so nervous about?" Erin asked, reluctantly looking up from her screen. It wasn't that she didn't care, but she had a lot to get done and Holtz had forced her to come out tonight on the pretence that she had something important to discuss. They had been there for half an hour already and Holtz had barely said a word.

"Nothing. Everything. Hmm." Holtzmann frowned, her fingers going up to her mouth again. 

"Holtz. Spit it out." 

"Okay. But you're not going to like it." Holtzmann murmured. Then she ducked her head down to delve into her bag. She pulled out a myriad of things - batteries, light bulbs, scissors, a swiss army knife and a bunch of scarves, before eventually pulling out a tattered, already ripped open envelope. The first thing Erin noticed was the university logo in the corner and she felt her stomach drop. 

"Jillian. What is that?"

"I knew you'd freak." Erin reached forward to grab the envelope from Jillian's hand, but she pulled it back so it was just out of reach. Erin made a face.

"It's a warning," But seeing the look on Erin's face, Holtzmann quickly retracted the statement, "It's not even a warning. It's rather a... a friendly reminder!"

"Holtz!" Erin exclaimed in alarm. _Shit. Shit, shit, shit._

Holtzmann opened up the letter and began to read aloud, "Dear Miss Jillian Holtzmann, The faculty would like to remind you of the rules concerning relationships between professors and students. It has come to our attention that your relationships with professors can be friendlier than perhaps you may have anticipated. Please refresh your memory by going to our website where the university student handbook can be found."

Erin barely heard the last part; she couldn't help but linger on the word "relationships". Plural.

 

*/*

 

Erin had never really considered herself adventurous. Or daring. She liked the stability of knowing the rules and being able to obey them. Holtzmann was the opposite. She liked teasing Erin in public. At first she just dragged the inside of her foot up Erin’s leg, wiggling her eyebrows, but seeing the reaction she got (“Holtzmann, don’t! _”_ A red-faced Erin had sputtered, looking around the café nervously, her eyes wide.), she knew she had found something she could play around with. So, eventually it became over the top panting in Erin’s ear while she was trying to order takeout, one hand strategically placed on Erin’s hip, her thumb brushing where she knew Erin was most sensitive. Then Erin started getting text messages in the middle of her lectures. Dirty text messages. Right when Holtzmann was sitting in front of her – she had taken to sitting in the front row now, she would type with purpose and wait patiently for the buzz from Erin’s phone and watch as her face transformed as she read each word, visibly squirming. Erin pretended to be mad.

“You _could_ just not read them.” Jillian had pointed out one night, as she perched on Erin’s kitchen counter. Erin didn’t respond, continuing to cut her vegetables. Because the truth was she liked it. She liked having someone dangerous and exciting. It made her feel dangerous and exciting for once. It also made her feel like she could do anything. And the one thing she’d always wanted to do was teach about the paranormal. Jillian Holtzmann made her feel like she could.

 

*/*

 

Erin slams her eyes shut as Jillian’s mouth makes contact with her clit, her hips thrusting forward in surprise. But the first thing that comes to mind as her eyes shut is Professor Hart’s face. Jillian is kissing her in all the places she normally kisses Erin. She opens her eyes again, looking down to where Jillian is, their eyes meet as Jillian pushes one finger in. Her hands are pressed around Erin’s thighs, her hair coming lose from its bun more than usual, little blonde strands sticking to her face, her mouth slightly open as she-

“Stop. Sorry, I’m sorry, but… stop.” Erin pants, pulling away from Jillian and sitting up against the pillows of the bed. Jillian cocks her head, sitting up on her knees at the end of the bed.

“Did I do something wrong? Was it too fast? I’m sorry if it was, I-“ But Erin cuts her off, pulling her up the bed and into her lap, kissing her.

“No, no, no. You- you’re perfect, Jill.” Jillian’s face softens with relief as she leans back slightly. “I’m sorry, this is so stupid and I _know_ we never really said what we were or weren’t but-“

“Erin?” Holtz says, her tone pointedly saying _get to the point_.

“Are you seeing other professors?” Erin says quickly.

“What? No! No, no, no, definitely not, no.” Holtz gently pushes her hands around the back of Erin’s head, her fingers tangling in her hair and her thumbs grazing her jawline. “Why on earth would you think that?”

Erin, in turn, puts her hands up around Holtz’s wrists and sighs. “Relationship _s_. The letter said relationships.”

“Erin, I think they used a neutral term so as not to name names. There’s no relationship _s_. Just one, okay? Relationship. You. Me. You _and_ me. Got it?” Erin nods, her cheeks blushing. She feels slightly embarrassed. Jillian kisses her nose. And then her mouth. And then winks and gets up from Erin’s lap and back down to where she was lying on her stomach before, gently opening Erin’s legs and kissing the insides of her thighs, making her squirm.

 

*/*

 

When Jillian came back into the room she had two mugs of coffee and a packet of Cheetos in her mouth. She spat the chip packet out on the bed, then carefully stepped in between the cracks of scattered papers to Erin’s bedside table where she left her mug. Then she put her own on her bedside table, found her underwear amongst the mess on the floor, slipped them on and got back into bed beside Erin.

“Thank you.” Erin said, reaching over and kissing Jillian on the cheek.

“You’re welcome, m’lady.” Holtz said, with a little bow of her head accompanied by a two-finger salute. Then she let her head drop on Erin’s shoulder.

“I like this.” Erin murmured, letting her head rest on top of Holtzmann’s.

“Me too, Doc.”

 

They didn’t have to talk about what was or wasn’t there between them. This was enough to clarify to the both of them that this was real. That this was something they both wanted to hold on to for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also if you have any prompts or suggestions as to where you want this to go just comment or you can send me an ask on tumblr (@katemkinnons) bc i have no plan hahah


	3. you still think 'gone fishin' actually means gone fishing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know it's been ages but ya know life & this is hella short as well im sorry but i hope you like it (also i didnt proof read so im sorry for that too)

Jillian had spent so much time throughout school and now, during college, being told she was too much. Too much weird. Too much loud. Too much crazy. Too much intelligence. There was so much of her, she had to _tone it down_ , as one of her grade school teachers had said. Sometimes she disliked this _muchness_ of herself and sometimes she loved it. She couldn’t decide where she wanted to be, in which world. She knew she was less of that muchness now, as over the years she’d learnt to suppress it. She was aware of how weird she may seem to other people, but somehow most were attracted to it. They wanted to know her, but never wanted to be her. She found it strange that in a bar she could hook up with any girl she wanted, but then she was never allowed to stay the night. And after that none of these girls would speak to her, let alone look at her. It was odd, the first time, and she had spent weeks fumbling over words to try and speak to these girls. Slowly, she realized that this is what it was going to be like for her. She was too much, and girls who are too much only get one-night stands. She didn’t mind, she got used to it and if anything it made things easier. Now, she wouldn’t have to explain when she disappeared into herself for a couple of weeks like she so often did. She liked doing it – not speaking to anyone, just her and her books, or her notepad. One time she even bought a guitar, but instead of playing it she ended up taking it apart and putting it back together a couple of times, liking the way it sounded when half the strings were out. She learnt to love these parts of herself. When Erin started teaching one of her classes, Holtz didn’t like her, she was too uptight and stiff. But Holtz liked researching her professors; she wanted to know them in order to ascertain whether they were worthy of her ears, whether she could actually learn something from them. When she dug deep into Google, she came across some strange forums about a book Erin had written. Something that was so _not_ Erin at all, it seemed so out of character that Erin would believe in the paranormal, but Holtz was intrigued. She searched and searched for a copy of the book, eventually coming across it in a second hand bookshop. And it was truly Erin’s face at the back. Holtz read it and reread it, covering the pages with notes. Honestly, she hadn’t really thought about the paranormal much, so she hadn’t formed an opinion. But it seemed interesting and new – something she had been searching for, for a while now. Her first class after the discovery posed Erin in a new light, a fascinating light that Holtz couldn’t help but be attracted to.

 

*/*

 

“Why?”

Jillian sighs, it’s a question Erin no longer has to complete because she asks it so often. Erin is lying sprawled out on the bed, violets on her chest, while Jillian is perched on the desk admiring her. They’re been occupying each other’s company like this, in silence, for about an hour now. It’s moments like these that Jillian is grateful for- more often than not she thinks even silence can be deafening, but with Erin it’s different, everything is calm and soft and wonderful, and they don’t even have to say a word to each other.

“Erin-“

“Please, Jill.” It’s the use of the shorthand of her first name that makes Jillian soften, as much as she hates her first name the way it sounds shortened on Erin’s tongue makes it sound beautiful. Like most things Erin says. She could say ‘crap pile’ and somehow make it sound like poetry, Jillian smirks at the thought and Erin sits up, frowning.

“Because you’re weird, and kind, and modest, and humble, and you believe in ghosts, and you still think ‘gone fishin’’ actually means gone fishing.” Jillian hops the short distance from the desk to the end of the bed and boops her girlfriend on the nose and then disappears out of the bedroom and into the bathroom.

“What else could it mean?” Erin mumbles, more to herself than to Jillian, who laughs, poking her head around the door, the top of her dungarees are swinging around her legs and her chest is bare.

“I could show you, if you want?” She winks, stepping out from behind the door completely, undoing the buttons on the sides so she can step out of them.

“Okay!” Erin says, practically bouncing off the bed. Her hands find Jillian’s waist and she guides her backwards into the bathroom, Jillian grins, kissing her softly, her teeth clutching onto Erin’s bottom lip, tugging it slightly as she pulls away. Erin makes a squeaky noise in a response and starts unbuttoning her blouse eagerly. But Jillian holds on to her wrists, pulling her hands away from her body.

“I want to do it.” She says gruffly, and Erin obliges, watching has Jillian pulls off her blouse, drops to her knees and kisses her stomach all over, her hands all the while at Erin’s waist, her thumbs gently rubbing back and forth against her hip bones.

“I love you.” Erin whispers. Jillian looks up at her. These are words they haven’t said aloud to each other yet. These are words that Jillian has thought for a long time but hasn’t said. These are words that Jillian has never heard from any other girl. They make her stomach flip and her heart beat triple its normal pace.

“What?” She has to be sure.

“I love you.” Erin repeats, clearer this time. Jillian smiles.

“Me too. I love me too.”

“Holtzmann.” Erin tries to sound menacing but she’s smiling and Jillian kisses her stomach again.

“I love you too.”


	4. i made us matching ghost gear!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey look at that im not complete trash and i am capable of writing !!! lol im actually really fucking sorry about this bc it got hella angsty and sad rlly fast and idk why

Jillian grumbled as she left her kitchen to answer the door, she was in the middle of something important, and now wasn’t the time for visitors. She was glad she did answer the door though, when she found Erin standing in the hall. But she was cradling a sad, partly empty box in her arms and Jillian looked at her in confusion.

“Erin…?”

Erin pushed her way inside, leaving Jillian to fumble uncomfortably at the door, eventually she closed it and turned around. She watched her girlfriend as she paced across the open space room, the box still in her arms.

“Fired. Fired? What am I gonna do? What am I going to do, Holtz? I don’t have a job. Shit. Fuck. Shit fuck.” Erin stopped, staring at Jillian.

“Fired?” Jillian managed, her throat had suddenly dried up and there was a familiar guilty feeling in her stomach.

“Yep.” Erin placed the sad box on the closest flat surface (not easy to find) and then went straight to the fridge, helping herself to a beer. Jillian frowned, she wasn’t sure how to form words anymore. She silently went to sit at the kitchen bench and watched as Erin took swigs from the bottle in her hand.

“How… Why?”

“It’s not… important.” Erin said, turning her back to Jillian.

“This is my fault.” Jillian said, her stomach twisting further. What had she done? Her mind flashed back to the letter of warning. Oh god, she’d gotten Erin fired.

“Jill. No.” Erin twisted back around and shook her head adamantly, because she knew what Jillian was like, how something like this would affect her.

“Maybe, you should… go.” Jillian murmured, looking anywhere but at Erin.

“ _Jill_.” Erin repeated with more force, trying to clasp onto Jillian’s hands, but the blonde wouldn’t let her.

“Erin, just…” Jillian’s voice caught and she looked up, trying not to cry. _Of course she had fucked this up. Just like everything else._

“Fine,” Erin trudged to the door, and turned before leaving, “This isn’t your fault, Holtz. You didn’t do this.”

Jillian didn’t turn around, she heard the door click shut and she let her head drop to the table. She lifted her head up and let it drop again a couple of times, finally settling, her shoulders shaking.

 

*/*

 

“Erin. _Erin_. Erin!”

Erin reluctantly looked up from her laptop, giving Jillian an exasperated look that quickly twisted into a laugh as soon as she saw her. Well, not her exactly, as she was covered in a white sheet, with two eye holes to peek through.

“You are a child. Oh my God.”

“Don’t you like it? There’s one for you too.” Jillian pulled the white sheet up and over her head, letting it hang from her shoulders like a cape.

“I am not wearing that.” Erin pushed her laptop off her thighs.

“You have to. It’s Halloween and I made us matching ghost gear, so yes, you _are_ wearing that.” Jillian says, letting the white sheet fall to the ground as she climbs up on the bed, straddling Erin. She plants a light kiss on Erin’s nose and Erin smiles.

“We’ll see.”

 

*/*

 

Since Jillian was little more often than not she was blamed for things that weren’t her fault. When Maggie Carter tipped paint all over the floor in first grade, her finger immediately pointed to Jillian. When the principal found glue on the toilet seats one lunchtime, everyone said it was Jillian. When Tommy Blake broke his arm from falling off the swing, it was Jillian who had pushed him. When group projects weren’t done and anybody was late to class, it was _always_ somehow Jillian’s fault. And there began an endless spiral of blame and apologies were always the first words out of her mouth. It was a reflex she couldn’t explain, but it just seemed easier for her to apologise rather than fight, and that unfortunately became a habit. When Jillian started college the blame continued but this time it wasn’t paint on the floor, glue on the toilet seats, this time it was relationships ending and no phone calls the next day. It was her fault that she couldn’t hold a sexual partner, let alone just a partner, for more than one night. It was her fault that they didn’t call because _she_ was too much. When things went wrong she automatically blamed herself. Erin getting fired? One hundred per cent her fault. Without a question or a doubt in Jillian’s mind. Which meant she would disappear. She wasn’t good for Erin and Erin deserved only good things. She kicked Erin out of her apartment that afternoon and made a decision. She knew what to expect, because this is how things went with her—Erin wouldn’t bother calling now and Jillian could get on with things, she’d hide out in her apartment for a couple of weeks with a new gadget and then emerge, heading to a bar and falling back into the cycle of one night stands that she knew so well. She was crazy to think that she deserved a proper relationship. Crazy to think that Erin Gilbert would want _her_. Crazy to think that she, Jillian Holtzmann, deserved even an inch of love. What was she thinking?

 

*/*

 

_Beep. Holtz, it’s me. Pick up._

_Beep. Sorry to call again, it’s me. Uh, where are you?_

_Beep. Holtzmann, please let me in. I know you’re in there._

_Beep. Jillian, come on. This is dumb. I love you. I_ love _you._

_Beep. Jill. Let me in._

 

*/*

 

_Bang, bang, bang._

Jillian twisted and fell off the couch hard, she groaned audibly and sat up, leaning her back against the couch. She opened her eyes wearily and closed them again, not wanting to look at her surroundings.

_Bang, bang._

She rubbed her eyes and reached for the coffee mug on the table and downed whatever was left, retching slightly after.

“Jillian! I’m not leaving!”

Jillian wished she didn’t know that voice. Wished the person who owned that voice wasn’t _still_ at her door. But Erin Gilbert was. And as she had just iterated, she wasn’t leaving.

“You should go.” Jillian murmured. “Everyone should go.”

Grudgingly Jillian stood up and walked to the door. She wrenched it open and took in Erin’s appearance. And she thought _she_ looked like crap.

“Please go.” Jillian said dejectedly.

“No. Holtz, what the shit? I got fired— _fired_ , and now, now… this?”

Jillian’s eyebrows furrowed, what did she mean _this_. She had done her a fucking favour.

“Erin, you don’t have to do this. I’ve been _here_ before, okay? I know how this works, you can just go. I don’t need an explanation.” Jillian sighs and adds, “I never have.”

Erin just looks at her with a look on her face that Jillian can’t decipher. Anger? Confusion?

“You’re an idiot, Holtzmann.” Erin said finally, her tone angry.

“Yeah, an idiot for thinking that I could make this work.” Jillian said, just as angry. She pushed the door shut and went into the kitchen, putting the kettle on and taking a mug out of the cupboard. She needed coffee. The last words Erin had said kept repeating themselves in her head and she gave into it all, dropping down to the kitchen floor and pulling herself into a ball.

“I’m an idiot.” She murmured over and over again. “A fucking idiot.”

 

*/*

 

“Don’t be an idiot, Jillian, girls don’t wear dungarees to birthday parties! Go get changed.”

Twelve year old Jillian nodded solemnly to her mother’s response to her outfit. She sighed, as she was always the source of her mother’s displeasure. All she wanted was to be comfortable, she didn’t _mean_ to upset her mother, but it seemed that was all she was capable of—being an idiot.

 

*/*

 

Jillian was lying on her back, laughing from her belly—the best kind of laughter, if you asked her. Erin had her head on her stomach and was laughing also, her hands to her mouth, her legs kicking through the air. Jillian wanted to remain in this small space of time forever. They had been laughing for so long that she had forgotten what the initial outburst was about, and now they couldn’t stop.

 

They would eventually get up and Jillian would make Erin dinner. Erin would try to help and Jillian would push her away, claiming that this (dinner) was _her_ masterpiece. They would sit on the floor in front of the TV and watch the news, muting during ad breaks to talk about their days.

 

They would murmur ‘I love you’s’ or ‘miss you already’s’ and fall asleep much later than they meant to, Erin’s hand resting on Jillian’s hip, not all the way around her waist otherwise Jillian would nightmare not being able to breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise everything will be fine in the end ok


	5. she would choose to stay here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope everyone is staying safe and that you are as okay as you can be. feel free to head over to my ask box @katemkinnons on tumblr if you're feeling down or just want to chat, i'll do my best to make sure you're okay and send you pictures of puppies and sunshines and kate mckinnon's beautiful face.   
> here's some less angsty holtzbert

If Erin had known what the impact of the word ‘idiot’ would have on Jillian, she wouldn’t have said it. Actually, she wouldn’t have said any of it and she wished she could take it back. But in the rush of the moment she was so angry that Jillian thought for even a second that a, her getting fired was her fault, b, that she would want to break up with her because of it and c, that she thought the solution would be to push her out of her apartment and ignore her for two and a half weeks after that. Erin was, to say the least, confused, and mad at herself for being confused because she thought she knew Jillian better. Getting fired was the least of her problems as of late, she just wanted Jillian to be okay and for them to be okay, because she was struggling to be happy without her. Now, she was sitting against Jillian’s door, after she had been kicked her out a second time and decided she wasn’t moving. Not until Jillian would let her in. She waited for a moment before speaking, allowing time for Jillian to cool off.

“Babe?” She called. “Please let me, I just want to talk.”

She didn’t know what else to say, she wished she knew what Jillian needed to hear so she could just blurt the words out and they would be okay again. She heard the sound of footsteps closing in on the door and Erin scrambled up, waiting patiently for the door to open. But it didn’t.

“Please.” She said.

 

*/*

 

Jillian was kissing Erin sloppily and open mouthed, half giggling. Erin gently pushed her off and held her steadily by the waist.

“I think we should head home, Jill.” Erin said, guiding her drunk girlfriend through the partly empty bar and to the door. Jillian let her head rest on Erin’s shoulder and allowed herself to be moved out the bar.

“I think you’re…” But the rest of the sentence was incoherent, as Jillian’s speech slurred. Erin supported her into a cab and out of the cab and up the steps to her apartment and then gently onto the bed. The whole time Jillian mumbled and murmured things that Erin barely understood, but the things she did were endearing and kind and mostly about her, she was pleased to note.

“You know,” Jillian started. She was lying on the bed, her eyes closed, half in half out of her vest, her pants had already been discarded on the floor.

“What?” Erin replied, hovering at the end of the bed awkwardly. Jillian pulled her vest off entirely and started unbuttoning the blouse underneath it.

“You know who _sucks_?” She said, dragging out the ‘s’ sounds.

“Who?” Erin asked, finally realizing what this was about. Jillian never just got drunk for the hell of it, she’d have one beer max and call it a night. So it had been an odd revelation when she had gotten a drunken call a couple hours earlier. She had quickly gone to the bar and had had no luck with trying to pry information from her girlfriend. She was obviously beginning to sober up.

“ _Parents_ , Erin. Parents. _Plural_. Both are _terrible_.”

Erin frowned, sitting down on a small corner of the bed that was free to her and put her hand on Jillian’s bare thigh, her thumb rubbing back and forth comfortingly. Jillian sat up with a sigh, rubbing her eyes. She looked tired, Erin noted.

“I’m sorry, Holtz. What happened?”

“If you had a kid and they got an engineering scholarship, you’d be proud of them, right?”

Erin sighed, “Of course. Oh, Jill. What did they say?”

“I don’t want to talk about it. My fault anyway.” Jillian laughed and then hopped off the bed, twisting 360 on the balls of her feet, before hopping to the bathroom. Erin shuffled uncomfortably on the edge of the bed. She didn’t know what to say.

 

*/*

 

The door opened and Erin sighed with relief, quickly stepping inside before she could be kicked out again.

“Let me talk, this time, please.” She said quickly. Jillian only nodded and Erin couldn’t help but notice her puffy, bloodshot eyes, making her stomach twist with empathy. “ _You_ didn’t get me fired, okay? They found the book online and well… it kind of went downhill from there. Listen to me, Jillian, you’re not… It’s not, and it never will be, your fault? Not everything is? You’re so wonderful and kind and weird and you put everyone else before yourself, which is great, but also fucking terrible, because… because you deserve to be first and I just wish you’d see that, because you are so smart and… and…”

Erin fumbled, trying to find words to describe the human in front of her but struggled, as no words seemed to be able to fit the magnitude of her greatness. Jillian just stood, looking slightly dumbfounded as Erin gabbled on.

“… I know… well I’ve _noticed_ how hard it is for you to say things out loud, but I want to listen and I want to know what’s going on, if you’d just—“ Jillian kissed her. Hard. As if, if she didn’t press bruises into Erin’s lips right this very moment the world would descend into a nuclear war. Erin’s hands found their way into Jillian’s hair, as she kissed her back just as hard. When they finally pulled away, Jillian looked at Erin sheepishly.

“You…” Was all she managed, but Erin nodded.

 

*/*

 

“Holtzmann? Is everything alright?” Erin asked, a tone of alarm in her voice, as she answered the phone. It was an odd time for Holtz to be calling, and her first thought was fire. It always seemed plausible.

“I got the scholarship.”

“Oh my God! Congratulations! That’s amazing, Holtz!” Erin replied excitedly, practically jumping in delight. She knew how much Jillian had wanted this scholarship, so it was a big deal. A _massive_ deal. “Let’s celebrate tonight! I’ll cook you dinner!”

Jillian laughed, “Rather I cook you dinner.”

“Fair point.” Erin mumbled, remembering the last time she had made dinner for Jillian. It had ended in burnt mush in a saucepan left on the stove and Jillian calling for takeout. There was a pregnant pause on the other end of the phone and Erin waited patiently for Holtz to speak, not wanting to interrupt.

But instead, “Okay, I’ll see you later, then!” _Click_.

Erin sighed, knowing there was something Jillian wasn’t saying, but if she had learnt anything, it was that Jillian didn’t easily give up information about herself.

 

*/*

 

“I missed this.” Erin whispered. They were lying in bed, tangled in sheets, as Erin ran her fingers up and down Jillian’s stomach, looping around her belly button, watching goosebumps form and disperse. Jillian had a hand behind her head, propping her up slightly, so she could look down on Erin.

“I’m sorry I freaked out.” Jillian whispered. Erin kissed her stomach softly instead of responding. She was still upset, if she was being honest, but now wasn’t the time for that, because it was clear that Jillian was still feeling vulnerable. And Erin was in no place to lose her again, so she kept her thoughts to herself and remained in this bubble of happiness with the person, she was learning, she loved most.

 

Jillian knew this wasn’t over, that she would have to explain herself at some point. She would have to tell Erin what was going on with her and what always had been going on with her, in her messy, cluttered, genius mind. She knew that Erin was still upset over how she had handled things. But this moment that they were in was too good to break. The world could come crashing down any minute, the building could go up in flames, and Jillian was sure that she would choose to stay here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love u, pls keep going, it's not over yet and u can keep fighting


	6. you coming?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there's smut at the end bc i felt like it so i might change the rating (if i know how to do that lol)  
> and there's more plot and yeah enjoy  
> thank you for all the comments and kudos too!!!!  
> ALSO i hope you all watched kate singing hallelujah and that it restored some of your faith in humanity bc it sure did for me

Jillian had a brief moment of guilt as she waited outside the lab door, the plaque bearing the name _Abby Yates_ glared at her dauntingly. All she could think about was Erin.

“Come in! But be quiet and don’t move for two seconds!” A voice called from the other side of the door. Jillian cautiously stepped inside and did as she was told. She stared, with wide eyes, at the room stretched out in front her, all guilt was gone and she was in complete awe and fascination. It was like something out of a dream. Jillian couldn’t see the person whom had asked her to come in, but she wasn’t really bothered. The lab was small, or it looked small because it was so crammed with things—devices, takeout containers, screwdrivers, mugs, electrical cords, a very old computer and so many other things that Jillian wanted to go through one by one, inspecting each trinket, but she stayed where she was, albeit twitching about impatiently.

“Okay!” There was a loud clap and Abby Yates popped up from behind a workbench. She waved a gloved hand at Jillian and smiled. “You are…?”

“Holtz. Holtzmann.” Jillian supplied quickly. “I’m here for the…”

“The scholarship! Right, right! Engineering! Of course, yes, yep! From Columbia.” Abby stepped out from behind the bench, hastily taking off her work gloves and reaching out a hand for Jillian to shake. Jillian took it. “Abby.”

“Cool, uh. I spoke to the dean? Yeah, it’s just like so we can get acquainted or something and the real stuff will start next week?” Jillian said nervously, looking around the lab.

“Right. Well, I mean, you can start whenever, it’s just me in here, so.” Abby shrugged and Jillian felt a strange feeling she couldn’t identify in her stomach. Something in Abby’s tone reminded her of her childhood, with no real friends, always on her own. She smiled.

“So cool! I can’t even believe half the stuff in here! I mean, I’ve got a workbench at—well, not exactly a workbench, but I’ve got some stuff and I’ve been working with—well, learning how—“ Jillian stopped her self, blushing and looking to floor, then mumbling, “Sorry, sometimes I get carried away. My girlfriend normally… Oh.”

Jillian’s jaw clenched as the image of Erin popped back in her mind and the guilt settled back in her stomach. She really had to tell her who this scholarship was with _soon_.

“Don’t apologise. Go crazy.” Abby said, giving her a nod, and waving her hands around the lab.

 

*/*

 

“Holtz, why wouldn’t you tell me that?” Erin leant back in her chair.

“You were so upset when I told you about the book and it got you fired and I didn’t want to bring all of that back up again and I thought it might just be easier but then I met Abby and—“

“You met Abby?” Erin asked timidly, cutting her off. Jillian looked up from the spot she had fixated her eyes on on the floor.

“Y-yeah, did I not say that?”

“No.” Erin bit her lip. “How is she?”

“Fine? I don’t know. You should see her lab, though. Incredible.”

“Mmm.” Erin murmured non-committedly.

 

*/*

 

“Who’s your girlfriend then?” Abby asked. Jillian looked up, stunned.

“How did you-?”

“You said. The first day?” Abby raised her eyebrows.

“Right.” Jillian looked back down at the mechanics on her workbench. Abby had cleared one for her, and had even put a strip of tape with her name labeled on it, in one corner of the bench.

“I mean, we don’t have to talk about it, if you…?” Abby said gently. Jillian took a breath. She supposed this is what friends did, right? Talked about their personal lives, shared their feelings, or whatever. Even if it was about another friend who had betrayed the first friend? Jillian frowned, all this was new, and she didn’t quite know the rules yet.

“You know her, actually?” Jillian said, not looking up.

“I do?” Abby frowned, then her finger slipped and she burnt it on the soldering iron she was using, “Shoot!”

“You okay?”

“Uhuh. Who do we have as a mutual friend?”

“Wouldn’t exactly say that you two are friends… _anymore_. It’s Erin? Erin Gilbert. We’re dating.”

“Flapjacks!” Abby yelped, burning her finger again. “ _Erin_? Why?”

Jillian thought for a moment, not catching onto the rhetoric, “She’s so nervous all the time, but in the very best way. And sometimes she wears these tiny bow ties, which seem stupid and inefficient, but they’re kind of cute. She’s so freaking smart, wow, but sometimes I don’t think she actually realizes, and-“

“Yeah, I get it.” Abby says stopping her.

“Sorry, bleurgh. What happened? Between you two?” Jillian kept her head down, waiting patiently, hoping that finally she would get answer.

“Don’t get too close to her, Holtzmann. She’ll ask you to write a book, and then she’ll squash your dreams.”

 

*/*

 

“Are you mad?” Jillian asked into the dark.

“No.”

“Are you upset?”

“No.” Erin paused. “Maybe. Did she tell—Did you talk about me?”

“No.”

“Are you going to?

“No. Maybe.” Jillian turned over, so she was facing Erin. She touched a finger to Erin’s nose and kept it there as she spoke, “Is it bad?”

“Yes.” Erin sighed.

“Okay.”

 

*/*

 

“Holtzmann! Don’t!” Erin squealed, darting off the couch and as far away from Jillian as possible, water trickling down her back. Jillian grinned. It was boiling hot and all she wanted was a water fight. She squirted more water from her drink bottle at Erin. Erin’s eyebrows went up.

“Oh, okay… okay. It’s—“ she moved toward the kitchen quickly, grabbing a glass and filling it with water, “—on!” She threw the water in Jillian’s direction, missing her completely. Jillian shook her head, laughing. She then caught Erin by the waist and squirted the rest of her water bottle over her head. Erin turned in Jillian’s embrace to face her, kissing her softly. She pushed a hand through Jillian’s hair, that was lose from it’s normal up do, and continued to kiss her harder, Jillian let her drink bottle fall to the floor, and put her other hand behind Erin’s neck, kissing her back, moaning softly into each kiss. Erin gently and subtly moved them back into the kitchen, strategically putting Jillian with her back toward the sink. Erin slowly, turned the tap on and put a mug underneath it, all the while kissing Jillian’s neck, where she was most sensitive. Jillian’s eyes fluttered shut as she succumbed to Erin’s touch, little gasps and moans escaping her lips, and just as Erin’s tongue flicked her earlobe, she felt the cold water trickle through her hair, droplets tickling her shoulders.

“Ahh!” She yelped and Erin keeled over laughing. “Very sly, Gilbert, very sly.”

Jillian opened the tap and cradled her hands to catch the water, flicking it onto Erin and going back for more.

“Truce, truce!” Erin said, dropping to her knees and covering her face with her hands. Jillian flicked one last handful for good measure and closed the tap. Erin let her hands fall, and looked up at Jillian, still on her knees. “I like this.”

“Yeah?” Erin murmured, still looking up through her lashes as Jillian edged closer. Erin pulled at her boxer shorts, as Jillian placed a hand on top of Erin’s head, her breath catching in her throat.

“Mmm.” She hummed, as Erin edged her boxers down to her knees, slowly kissing her thighs. Jillian let her boxers slide down to her ankles and put her legs further apart, and Erin smiled, kissing her inner thighs, lingering there longer than Jillian wanted her too.

“Still like this?” Erin asked, looking back up, cheekily.

“Erin…” Jillian wined.

“Oh? I can stop.”

“No! Come o—ah _hh_.” Jillian bit her lip, as Erin pushed a finger between her folds, and feeling how wet she was pushed in another. Jillian let her head fall back and her eyes closed. Erin pushed her fingers in and out slowly, then flicked her tongue at her clit, emitting a moan from Jillian, her hand reaching for the bench behind her in order to steady herself. Then the teasing was over and Erin was sucking her clit, her fingers quickening—she couldn’t help herself, as much as she wanted to tease Jillian, she wanted this as much as she did. Jillian felt her knees shake and weaken, her other hand still firm on Erin’s head. Her hips jerked and she whimpered as she came. Erin rocked back on her knees to look up at her girlfriend, Jillian’s knuckles were white as they gripped the kitchen bench, her eyes were still closed and her mouth slightly open.

“Did you like that?” Erin murmured, getting up, and placing one hand behind Jillian’s neck, bringing her back to reality so she could watch her lick her fingers clean.

“Jesus Christ, Erin.” Jillian managed, breathing heavy, her knees still feeling weak.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Erin smiled, kissing Jillian’s cheek softly, before turning away and walking to the bedroom. She stood in the doorway, looking at Jillian expectantly. “You coming?”

“I was a second ago and I’d really like to make y—“

“Holtzmann.” Erin cut her off, her eyebrows raised.

“Right.” Jillian tried to follow, perhaps too eagerly, resulting in her tripping over with a crash, her boxers still around her ankles. Erin smirked, before turning into the bedroom.

 

*/*

_Beep **.** Holtz, it’s Erin. I don’t want you to do it. Quit the scholarship!!_

_Beep. Forget the last message. It’s fine. I love you and trust you. Oh, it’s Erin. Erin Gilbert. You know my last name, oh God._

_Beep. Sorry, again. Honestly, it’s fine. I’m proud of you. You and Abby should be friends. Acquaintances. No, really, friends… She’s really great. I-I’ll see you later. Just ignore these please. I think I’ve had too much coffee._

_Beep. Last one, I swear. I’ll tell you what happened. You deserve to know, especially since you’re working with her. Are you friends? Whatever. It’s fine. Tonight. We’ll talk tonight._


	7. she was on both their sides

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this isnt that long & i havent updated in ages, so im v sorry, but anyway hope you enjoy  
> have a bit of yatesbert back story as well :-)

“Press 2 to call back. Press 3 to delete. And Press 4 for more options.”

Jillian sighed, pressing end call rather. She sat down on her couch and rubbed under her eyes with such force that anyone would have thought she could simply rub the dark pigment from beneath them clean away. She was tired. Being in love was not as easy as she had originally imagined it to be. Or rather, it didn’t make her depression go away as she had always thought it would. And because this had been her thinking, she hadn’t explained her depression to Erin. Actually, she hadn’t explained it to anyone before. She picked up her phone again and clicked on Erin’s name.

“Hey, it’s me.”

 

*/*

 

“It’s just, it’s kind of crazy that I get to be in a lab all day, ya know?” Jillian sighed contently, as flopped onto the couch. Erin smiled, happy that her girlfriend was happy, but there was a touch of melancholy to it as well. She almost wished she was there with her. She missed discovering new things, she had spent so many, too many, years teaching and now that she didn’t have that job anymore, the more she thought about it the more she wanted to learn again. She liked that it was Jillian who brought this out in her. She liked watching how excited Jillian would get when she found out new things, she missed that feeling.

 

*/*

 

“My parents are coming this weekend.” Jillian frowned, inspecting the textbook spread out in pieces on the bench in front of her. The pages had been ripped from the spine and were scattered about, Jillian’s scrawl marking each page at least once. Abby stood on the other side of the bench, a mug of coffee in her hand, watching as Jillian continued to highlight and write notes.

“How come?” Abby asked.

“They’re ‘concerned.’” She rolled her eyes.

“Concerned about what?” Abby put her coffee down and twisted a couple of pages towards her so she could read them.

“This.” Jillian replied sheepishly.

“What? The scholarship? Me?” Abby laughed. “Do I get to meet them?”

Jillian’s eyebrows furrowed, she didn’t really think that Abby would _want_ to meet her parents. “You want to?”

“Yeah. Why not?”

“Right. Well, then, yeah. You can meet ‘em. They’re not the nicest, though.” Jillian said, her stomach twisting at the thought. “We’ll have a dinner, or something.”

“Sounds good.” Abby smiled.

 

*/*

 

“Before I tell you, I just want to say that it was a long time ago, and I can recognize what I did was wrong now. At the time, I was just trying to do what was best for my career, rather than…” Erin trailed off, bringing her knees up to her chin and wrapping her arms across her shins. Jillian waited patiently.

“After we wrote the book, we started getting comments and reviews, and majority were bad. No one believed us and thought we were a big joke. It really hurt, Jill…” Erin looked down at her knees. “Probably hurt me more than it did Abby, maybe, or maybe I’m just the one who—I always let it get to me. It was just, I’d already gone through all of that in school and now, college too? It was just so unfair.”

Erin looked back up, hoping that Jillian would say something, but she didn’t. She was propped up on her elbows on the opposite side of the bed, her feet up near Erin, her face stoic.

“So… I stopped talking to her. Ignored her. She called, gosh, she called so many times, and I didn’t answer and finally she got the message and stopped. I wrote her a note saying to take the book down, maybe she didn’t get it or maybe she ignored it… She probably ignored it, after everything… I don’t know, now after getting fired and all of it, I just, I wish I could take it all back. She’s a great person, Jill. If you guys are friends, hold on to it. Honestly.” Erin paused, she was crying softly now. “I wish I had.”

Jillian leaned forward, her thumbs brushing Erin’s tears from her cheeks. She kissed her nose. But she didn’t say a word.

 

*/*

 

“She told you, didn’t she? That’s why you’re looking at me like that? All gloom and sad eyed. Don’t get sappy on me, Holtzmann.” Abby shook her head. “You’re all I got.”

Jillian’s face scrunched up before she gave Abby a quick, but firm hug. “You… You’re magnificent. I know she broke your heart. Hers broke too. Okay? Hers broke too.”

Then Jillian pushed her index finger beneath her nose, sniffling audibly and went back to her work bench. It was a difficult place to be. Between two people whom she cared for more than she could even begin to explain, trying to figure what side she wanted to be on, before realizing that was the last thing she could do. She was on both their sides. She loved Erin, but knew what she had done had hurt Abby in ways she didn’t even know, and she loved Abby so much, she was her best friend after all, and her lack of understanding for Erin’s anxiety caused Erin a world of pain too. At the end of the day, Jillian was grateful—grateful that she _even had_ two friends, even if they were at odd ends with each other right now. Something that Jillian was sure she could rectify.

 

*/*

 

“Family dinner tomorrow night.” Jillian stated. Erin looked up from the mug she was stirring.

“Oh?”

“My parents are coming in the morning.”

“Okay.” Erin said, unsure whether ‘family dinner’ included her or not.

“7pm.”

“Holtz, is this an invitation, or…?” Erin smiled, as she watched the blonde pull a face, realizing she hadn’t actually _asked_.

“Yes! Sorry, yes. Please.” She added. Erin nodded.

“I’ll be there.”


	8. pay attention, jillian.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's a proper chapter with some substance

_"Jillian? A professor?"_  
_"Yeah, well you left, Erin! And now..."_  
_"Abby, she's sorry! Come on, calm down."_  
 _"And this, woman? Jillian, I thought you could surround yourself with better people, honestly."_  
 _"You don't get it! You've never gotten it! I'm scared, Abby! I'm scared of what people-"_  
 _"I'm a doctor!"_  
 _"Mom, please. It's the first time I haven't felt... out of place..."_  
 _"Jill, you could always kick them out."_  
 _"We're disappointed, Jillian."_  
 _"They're my parents."_  
 _"Holtz?"_  
 _"Uhuh, but... we're your family."_

*/*

"We're? Really?"  
They were standing in Jillian's room--they being Jillian, Abby and Erin. Jillian was close to breaking down. Abby was offended but holding out. Erin was angry. And shocked now due to Abby's use of the word "we".  
"Yeah. You're a traitor, but I miss you." Abby said, holding her stoic look. Erin sighed and took Abby's hand, giving it a squeeze. Jillian managed a smile.  
"Jillian!" The screech was from Jillian's mother. Jillian closed her eyes, willing everything away. Erin looked at her sympathetically. Abby shook her head.  
"I'll handle this. Stay." She said. Then marched out of the room.

*/*

 _"You could have told us, Jill?"_  
_"Abby. I-"_  
_"I'm going home."_  
 _"We just want what's best for you, sweetheart. And this, isn't it. A scholarship at a school your father and I didn't even know existed?"_  
 _"Holtz?"_  
 _"Pay attention, Jillian."_

*/*

"I am." Jillian murmured. How could she have thought that this was a good idea. "Mom, Dad, you don't get it. Just let me have this. Please. You've never lis-"  
"Jillian."  
"No. Listen. Abby is my best friend. Best friend. Have you heard me even say that about anyone? And Erin is my girlfriend. She practically lives here. That must be more important than how prestigious the school I'm attending is. My happiness should be more important."  
"Friends and 'girlfriends' are a distraction, Jillian. What's your goal here?"

*/*

 _"Oh, honey, what are you wearing?"_  
_"Holtz?"_  
_"Talk to us."_  
 _"What people think? Come on, Erin. Me too. Me too. But you know what I always thought? As long as you were there with me, it didn't matter."_  
 _"Talk me out of it? Talk me out of love? Talk me out of this?"_  
 _"But you're still depressed, Jillian."_

*/*

"What?"  
"We're your parents, Jill." Her dad says, trying to catch her eye. But Jillian remains with her head down.  
"I-if...you knew--why wouldn't you do anything?"  
"We thought it was something you'd..." her mother trails off.  
"What? Grow out of? Like my sexuality? Like the nightmares? Like every single shitty thing that's ever fucking happened that you didn't notice because you didn't care-"  
"Jill." It's Erin who stops her. Not her mother.  
Not Abby. Not her father. The room seems full and everything too much until Erin says her name. She stops speaking. She looks at her girlfriend. And the room falls away. Until it's just her and Erin. Because everything that was important started with her and Erin. Everything came from that. She knows there was a before. But the before was broken and sad. She didn't want the before. She wanted this.  
"Holtz?" It's Abby who speaks next. Jillian finds her right next to her, and a small part of her is surprised. But, of course she is right next to her. That's where she's always been. Right there. Ready to catch her, because that's what Abby does. She catches everyone, brings them in, holds them close, even when they go away. She still manages to bring them back. Jillian breathes out. She stands up shakily slow and retreats to her bedroom. She doesn't have to ask them to follow, they just do.

*/*

 _"Goodnight, sweetheart. We hope you'll think about your choices."_  
_"Stay over tonight, please?"_  
_"Thank you for... for being you. Abby Yates, protector extraordinaire."_  
 _"Love you, Holtzmann."_  
 _"Goodnight."_

*/*

"Yes," Her voice is low and soft and if Erin hadn't been specifically listening for her response probably wouldn't have heard it, her head dipped down again, her mouth making contact with Jillian's nipple. Her tongue flicked and circled, her hand fondling her other breast. Jillian raked her teeth over her bottom lip, her breathing heavy, as Erin's hand left her breast and made it's way down, palming her over her underwear. Her back arched at the contact. She was so wet. Erin pushed her hand under the fabric and her fingers circled Jillian's clit, her mouth still on her breast. Jillian moaned, trying to form words but wasn't able to. Erin pushed two fingers in and Jillian grounded down on her hand, getting herself off. Erin let her, pulling back slightly to watch. Her eyes were closed, mouth slightly open, eliciting quick pants as she gets closer. Her orgasm washes over her and her hips jerk unevenly, her knees weaken and she slides down the wall just the tiniest bit. The only word that leaves her mouth is 'Erin.'

*/*

 Jillian is lying comfortably between Erin's legs, her chin resting on her hands that are over Erin's stomach.  
"It wasn't the best idea was it," She murmurs.  
"Probably not." Erin says.  
"I'm sorry."  
"Don't be. It wasn't all bad, babe. Me and Abby are speaking now."  
"My parents hate me." Jillian whispers. Erin doesn't know what to say, because she's finding it hard to see how that could be untrue after everything they had said tonight.  
"Does it matter?" Erin asked finally.  
Jillian paused. Because she hadn't thought about it like that. Because after everything what had they brought her? Nothing but unhappiness. Because maybe it didn't right now.

*/*

 Erin is lying on the couch, her plate that used to hold pancakes has been wiped clean and it is on the floor below her. She's half asleep, a pillow wrapped in her arms. Jillian is draping a blanket over her. She bends down to kiss her forehead but before she can Erin lifts her head and kisses her properly. Jillian smiles into it and when they pull away Erin's stomach somersaults as she sees those dimples. She settles back down. Jillian turns the tv off, takes a book and falls into the armchair, finding her place.


End file.
